I always knew the time would come and now I’m standing on it. I got what I always wanted but I don't feel complete. I don’t feel like I own the world even after my wish has been fulfilled. Only the same hollow and empty space where it used to be.
I’ve been taken writing seriously since I was 13 and the feeling comes when my mother change into a being I don’t recognize at all. She becomes this monster under my bed; the enemy under my own blanket. Even though she’s not my birth parent, she’s not showing me how a mother should be. We had a lot argument and the violence became even stronger by the years.
Days becoming much harder for me in this house. I always called it a box, just like pile you found on the corner of street. Nothing different or special for me being here. I teach myself lessons my parents should have taught for me. I lost my trust to anyone since I never have anyone to look up to. From hate, I’m giving up to the whole meaning of feeling. Hate is just wasting energy but forgetting and being careless much more painless for me being with her.
Until today. I walked to an empty house. Every time I walked passed her room and see nothing there. Where there used to be her lying on her bed with an open door. Or her footsteps over from the kitchen. People has become picture hanging on the wall with a beautiful frame. I still feel nothing but there’s something changing for me and everything around me. This house is getting emptier by days all I have to do is adjust to it.
Hundreds of poems and bitter writings I create mostly about her. How my days were full of disappointments and drama. She hurt me more than she knows but now there are no more. I’m all alone and free just like I always wanted. Death never scares me but emptiness is killing me. All I need to do is moving on and all I have is myself. This house is not my home, but home is where the heart is.
Pie Jesu, Pie Jesu.. Qui tollis peccata mundi.. Dona eis requiem.
I have been blinded by my own ego. Feeling enormous when I’m merely a speckle in this universe. Yes, sometimes I feel up above everyone else. Less grace and more frowning in my days lately. Then it hit me, the feeling of guilt and remorse that comes from within. I guess one man could feel this kind of feeling at least once in my life.
Feeling of glorious in the winning land, after killing so many enemies and stood tall on the pride rock. I’m sorry. The words of apologize sometimes so hard to come out than the curses. Realizing that the shield of ego is too thick to break. No one could help you and no words could wake you from this self-blind-illness but yourself.
I learned my lesson that no one is more valuable than the others despite how much experience they have. Everyone is equal in the eyes of the universe and everyone deserves to be forgiven. Experience is never the same for everyone only wisdom can teach someone to be almost perfect. Don’t get lost in the killing field just because you won few battles. The true knight within is one who accepts their flaw and brave enough to admit that they are wrong and selfish.
It rained like there is no more tomorrow. And I’m stuck on my way to Taman Ismail Marzuki, hiding from the rain in front of a small restaurant called Pondok Q’ta near Cikini. I was with my cousin, we were soaking wet, cold and wishing the rain would stop any minute now. Suddenly from inside the restaurant’s window a man greet us and told us to come inside. He insists we should get inside and get a warm cup of tea on him. I was totally shocked and couldn’t believe myself.
Hello, is this the same ol’ Jakarta I used to know?? The cruel, the irony and how individualism is the new religion around here? But this man, this kind Samaritan breaks all my skeptics to this capital. From his gestures and the looks like he is the owner of this establishment. But man, he offers us something small, a shelter from the rain but great in value! Even my friend who’s on the way to the same place wouldn’t picked me up. But this stranger is far friendlier than so-called-friend.
Even in the heavy rain kindness still can show itself to those who never believe in one. In a dump where diamonds aren’t meant to be found. As if the water from up above clears all that and gives a tiny thread of subject to believe to. The goodness is in everybody but it needs an effort to let it out and surrender yourself to it. I cannot thank this man enough, where usually people would kick other people from their balcony. Man, this is valuable shit I learn today!
I’m in an usual place: the library. And what makes it more interesting is I’m at Japan Foundation library. I can’t understand even a bit of Japanese, but here I am.
Well actually I’m here for Q! Film Festival programming routine. Its supposed to start at 6pm, I’m just an hour early. It’s good to though and a luck of coincidence. When I was driving here it was sunny and one hot Friday afternoon, as usual. All of a sudden, after I checked in at the security and stuff, it rained like there was no tomorrow. The sun’s still there, but the water pouring down with no mercy. Lucky me I guess.
It’s been a while since I visit the library. When I was in Junior High in St. Agnes, I used to come by to the public library at the bus station. It was in Brisbane, QLD, Aussie. Not far from the bus station there was a mall, a Target and a library. I used to borrow a book or two from there and spend my weekend reading. I’m not a super-geek I guess, so I don’t read that much.
One book can open thousands of new adventures. That’s how I like to see it from my point of view. I used to read light stuff to philosophy or sometimes a famous biography. From Goosebumps, to Paper Faces, to Rice & Earth, to Mystery of Mind. Don’t ask me who the author were, I’m bad in memorizing names. But I can still remember what I was reading. Goosebumps mostly teens thriller-fictions. Paper Faces about a small family after World War I in England. And Rice & Earth was about a single man in China from bottom poor who can finally build an empire of his own. My fav was the last one.
This library sure is empty. Only a bunch of people here, no eye-candy in sights. It amazes me always how books look so grand when they’re piled up together. Like in movies, where a rich family have their own library and tons of books stack to their ceilings. I don’t know how one read all of that information. Or just for the sake of room decoration, lol. But yeah, books are one of the most amazing man discoveries after fire. And always intrigues me that how can people write so many different things into so many books? Wow. Crazy shit, eh?
Anyway, I’m starting to get kinda sleepy. With the air-con turned on so nicely and I plugged in earphone with Bjork’s “Vespertine” album. This situation is heaven. I better rest my head for a while. Nobody’s watching :p
I’ve been in my hiding out for two nights now. Away from all the noise, away from all the unstoppable ruckus the world’s been giving me. All I need is sanctuary even just a little bit. Even a villain like me needs a break sometime. This place is the right place for the moment, where I can focus into one single thing: myself. While out there, they keep bugging me for things I’m not even attached with.
I’ve been browsing through photos of my younger cousins, well just to simplify things, that’s how I called them. They have this pictures of traditional Batak’s family parties, weddings and other I could not identify. To my surprise those events are strange and peculiar to me. Unconnected, that’s the word that first pop-out from my head.
It’s been a while since I actually hang out with them. Or going to those kinds of activities. The last event was when my aunt died. The funeral was packed with North Sumatran faces, none of which I could recall. But they do know me as one of them. I’m not having a brain malfunction or amnesia of some sort. It’s just an awkward moments to me now, yes they are.
But guess what, this disconnection is seemingly give me comfort. I always don’t know what to do or how to behave when I’m with them. It’s like I’m not in my world, I’m alienated in my own universe. The way they think, the way they talked or touch me in my physical being are just fake to me. Their judgments are killing my knowledge and blocking my ideas. I need to be free from all of this limitation.
They want me to be human. Born, eat, walk, talk, married, reproduce, and then die. What am I? A sand in the dessert? A drop of water in the ocean? I’m not any of those. Where’s the ideas? Where’s the living? Where’s the passion? Where’s the I-was-here-and-known part?? I’m sorry but I’m different from you. I need my space and acknowledgment from people who appreciate me more. Or at least from myself.
Photos will be photos. Facebook are soon going to wither and forgotten but not thoughts. My thoughts. I’m taking the risk losing the connection with them than destroying myself. I’m happy of what I’m doing right now. I’m passionate in art and photography. I’m living my dream now, so please open the window and forget me.
I’m in Rumah Senang again. Its translated to “Happy House” in Bahasa for you non-Indonesian. It’s a place where Q! Film Festival have our meeting. Okay, I have few things to explain here…lol. Q! Film Festival is an annual film festival that we have based in Jakarta and screened within a few major cities too. Most of the films relates to LGBT issues, HIV/AIDS or human rights topics. Most of the films are imported from outside Indonesia and others are local. And the base camp of Q! team is right here in Rumah Senang. The environment are very comfortable everytime we’re together here.
It’s still raining outside and I’m listening to Tweet – Where Do We Go From Here. Kinda melancholic for a Saturday nite, but I like this feeling. I’m single, I’m busy with my photography biz and also this festival. It’s a mediocre kinda life where not so many people could achieve. I don’t have anything to worry about. Money could be a problem sometimes, but I don’t mind. I’m not really attached to it, I mean we do all need money, but there’s not reason to queen them in our daily lives.
I have everything I need in myself. As long ideas are running free and wild inside this head of mine, I stay alive. I try to keep myself outta trouble, by trouble I mean heart-slash-drama matters. Honestly I don’t have time for fooling around now with my tight daily schedules. Not to sound cocky but it’s true. I don’t wanna mess up Q! Film Festival responsibilities and also my photography biz I have to deal with. And also some errand I do for a very good friend of mine. I started to learn to fight for discrimination of gay rights in Indonesia. And there’s no better way than learning by doing.
Just yesterday, I spent my Friday night socializing IDAHO at a very senior gay club in town. IDAHO is a abbreviation for International Day Against Homophobia that are celebrated every 17th May every year. Not so many people ever heard about this important event in gay calendar. So we’re sounding them out so people could understand what it is. We were giving out flyers and quiz at that gay club just to make learning in a fun way. I am amazed by actually standing and be there in that particular club.
The club I’m talking about is called Moonlight. Very famous in Jakarta and the amazing part is it has been around since 1994! For club, no let me rephrase that, for a gay club that has been running more than 16 years is truly amazing! The building itself hasn’t got much renovated, as I was told. All the other gay clubs in Jakarta are “babies” compare to this one. With cheap entrance ticket, gay community could have a good time here.
The reality, no plastic or fake people here, just human wanted a plain happiness. You can be whoever you wanted to be without have to lie about anything. No one will judge you or laugh at you. Just out and open in that small room with up beat music. But then again, they have the right to be informed about safety and their rights as LGBT community. So that’s what we were doing there and they accepted it pretty good.
Yeah, to think of it again we do need strip down to the very basic of what we are. Without having the effort to cover anything of who we truly are. Tired with all those fake gestures, plastic smiles and backstabbers. We are human and we deserve honesty from another human. It’s a precious thing in this big city like Jakarta. The ironic thing is, honesty is available at one of the place where people look down to.
Ah the rain finally stop, I could go home. Goodnite y'all.
Wow. How many days had it been since I wrote in my blog. So many stories to tell you, I guess I have to sum them all up. Lol.
After New Year, I decided to quit my lousy job as marketing in a magazine. It was all good until they let me do nothing but selling ad-space to client which was so boring. I thought I could write or at least fill up some photos I shot myself to few of their pages. But no. I stuck with a backstabber boss and a magazine full of hypocrites, social-climber and plastic faces. Ugh, enough.
I decided to do a full time business, which I should do a long time ago. I am capable of writing and photography in a serious manner. But then I thought, after a long discussion with a friend at Starbucks, I told myself to choose ONE thing I love the most. I mean the concept of living is doing what you love right? So photography it is. I consider saving some money to buy lenses (I own a camera already) and some more equipment.
I don’t have money at all, I was literally broke. Being jobless was quite tough on me but that didn’t stop me. I try to do basic promotion, mouth-to-mouth from broadcast message to another. Well, what do you know? It works! I started getting call up for photo shoots and I’m able to buy more lenses. And I try to advertise via online media and newspaper. I hope this time lady luck on my side coz I’m all out of money again! Lol.
Anyhoo, my work life is going up hill while my love life stuck and circling around. My boyfriend dumped me for reason I’m still confused about. One day we were just fine, and the next he break up with me. He said we have so many differences and it’s not working out after 6 months. Well, we did have a lot of fights. Mostly he’s jealous for me being socially known and surrounded by many beautiful men.
I did told him from the very beginning that I like to flirt and my job requires me to be socially known. But talking about heart, I’m stuck with him in a good way. I loved him. But I guess that wasn’t enough. Until I caught him walking with one of my friend in a cinema after we broke up. They were quite surprised seeing me there, after he told me he was sick and cant go anywhere. I didn’t bother though. He’s free wondering or effin around with whomever he likes. But the question pop in my head: when did they trade numbers? Oh well.
And then I was happy with my life. Single and free. Surrounded with good friends, getting laid, doing things I like and drowning myself in work. I helped a friend doing some festival work, doing this, doing that. Then comes another drama. I met this guy, he’s hot, cute and he was my junior back in high school. I didn’t know we had a hunk in our school. Lol. So, we date and we did it. After few conversations later I began to like his character, his stories about his family. Until he told me he love me. Big time. Like an A-bomb I wasn’t prepared and never always.
Not because I just broke up and all but I never believe in love. I told him all about myself and he still couldn’t read between the lines. I’m a major fuck up dude being happy with his life! And he tries to pull me into this drama shit. I said to him bluntly and he could face the truth. He pushed me away and I didn’t have anything to lose but one more name in my Blackberry Messenger contact list. I try to be genuine and honest to him but he wants me to be someone I’m not. Sorry dude, you crossed the line.
The story about my life’s gonna bore you. I (still) don’t know my parents. I was raised by this fucked up so-called-family. I have four aunties and two of them died. I love seeing them disappeared from that house one by one. Two left and I’m free. No, I didn’t kill them. Lol. They screw their own life with so many hates and high-glucose food in their everyday lives. Even after death they could rest at peace. I don’t really bothered though. I have my own life to run.
I have a feeling this year is my chance. Where life finally giving me a break to shitty things happens in my life. Just hoping I could read the signs and don’t do anything stupid to blow my chances. I have all the support I have from my friends but still I know I’m alone. The risk I’m taking is for my own to take. No one else’s. I still couldn’t trust anyone for my life or for anything. This is what I believe:
“We're better off alone. We suffer alone. Doesn't matter if you're a model husband, or father of the year. Tomorrow will be the same for you.” –House M.D.
What I have in my mind is something dug deep from the rabbit hole and into the hour glass. Feel free to flip it around with your mind. I just need the world to listen to me and apparently I did.
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