bra1n-w@shed

A House Is Not A Home

2010-07-06T06:25:00.001-07:00

It is time to let go the anger.

I always knew the time would come and now I’m standing on it. I got what I always wanted but I don't feel complete. I don’t feel like I own the world even after my wish has been fulfilled. Only the same hollow and empty space where it used to be.

I’ve been taken writing seriously since I was 13 and the feeling comes when my mother change into a being I don’t recognize at all. She becomes this monster under my bed; the enemy under my own blanket. Even though she’s not my birth parent, she’s not showing me how a mother should be. We had a lot argument and the violence became even stronger by the years.

Days becoming much harder for me in this house. I always called it a box, just like pile you found on the corner of street. Nothing different or special for me being here. I teach myself lessons my parents should have taught for me. I lost my trust to anyone since I never have anyone to look up to. From hate, I’m giving up to the whole meaning of feeling. Hate is just wasting energy but forgetting and being careless much more painless for me being with her.

Until today. I walked to an empty house. Every time I walked passed her room and see nothing there. Where there used to be her lying on her bed with an open door. Or her footsteps over from the kitchen. People has become picture hanging on the wall with a beautiful frame. I still feel nothing but there’s something changing for me and everything around me. This house is getting emptier by days all I have to do is adjust to it.

Hundreds of poems and bitter writings I create mostly about her. How my days were full of disappointments and drama. She hurt me more than she knows but now there are no more. I’m all alone and free just like I always wanted. Death never scares me but emptiness is killing me. All I need to do is moving on and all I have is myself. This house is not my home, but home is where the heart is.

Pie Jesu, Pie Jesu.. Qui tollis peccata mundi.. Dona eis requiem.

A Knight Within

2010-06-23T04:33:00.000-07:00

I have been blinded by my own ego. Feeling enormous when I’m merely a speckle in this universe. Yes, sometimes I feel up above everyone else. Less grace and more frowning in my days lately. Then it hit me, the feeling of guilt and remorse that comes from within. I guess one man could feel this kind of feeling at least once in my life.

Feeling of glorious in the winning land, after killing so many enemies and stood tall on the pride rock. I’m sorry. The words of apologize sometimes so hard to come out than the curses. Realizing that the shield of ego is too thick to break. No one could help you and no words could wake you from this self-blind-illness but yourself.

I learned my lesson that no one is more valuable than the others despite how much experience they have. Everyone is equal in the eyes of the universe and everyone deserves to be forgiven. Experience is never the same for everyone only wisdom can teach someone to be almost perfect. Don’t get lost in the killing field just because you won few battles. The true knight within is one who accepts their flaw and brave enough to admit that they are wrong and selfish.

The eyes of truth are always watching you.

The Good Samaritan

2010-06-15T04:37:00.000-07:00

It rained like there is no more tomorrow. And I’m stuck on my way to Taman Ismail Marzuki, hiding from the rain in front of a small restaurant called Pondok Q’ta near Cikini. I was with my cousin, we were soaking wet, cold and wishing the rain would stop any minute now. Suddenly from inside the restaurant’s window a man greet us and told us to come inside. He insists we should get inside and get a warm cup of tea on him. I was totally shocked and couldn’t believe myself.

Hello, is this the same ol’ Jakarta I used to know?? The cruel, the irony and how individualism is the new religion around here? But this man, this kind Samaritan breaks all my skeptics to this capital. From his gestures and the looks like he is the owner of this establishment. But man, he offers us something small, a shelter from the rain but great in value! Even my friend who’s on the way to the same place wouldn’t picked me up. But this stranger is far friendlier than so-called-friend.

Even in the heavy rain kindness still can show itself to those who never believe in one. In a dump where diamonds aren’t meant to be found. As if the water from up above clears all that and gives a tiny thread of subject to believe to. The goodness is in everybody but it needs an effort to let it out and surrender yourself to it. I cannot thank this man enough, where usually people would kick other people from their balcony. Man, this is valuable shit I learn today! 

Paper Gold Mine

2010-06-11T05:09:00.000-07:00

I’m in an usual place: the library. And what makes it more interesting is I’m at Japan Foundation library. I can’t understand even a bit of Japanese, but here I am.

Well actually I’m here for Q! Film Festival programming routine. Its supposed to start at 6pm, I’m just an hour early. It’s good to though and a luck of coincidence. When I was driving here it was sunny and one hot Friday afternoon, as usual. All of a sudden, after I checked in at the security and stuff, it rained like there was no tomorrow. The sun’s still there, but the water pouring down with no mercy. Lucky me I guess.

It’s been a while since I visit the library. When I was in Junior High in St. Agnes, I used to come by to the public library at the bus station. It was in Brisbane, QLD, Aussie. Not far from the bus station there was a mall, a Target and a library. I used to borrow a book or two from there and spend my weekend reading. I’m not a super-geek I guess, so I don’t read that much.

One book can open thousands of new adventures. That’s how I like to see it from my point of view. I used to read light stuff to philosophy or sometimes a famous biography. From Goosebumps, to Paper Faces, to Rice & Earth, to Mystery of Mind. Don’t ask me who the author were, I’m bad in memorizing names. But I can still remember what I was reading. Goosebumps mostly teens thriller-fictions. Paper Faces about a small family after World War I in England. And Rice & Earth was about a single man in China from bottom poor who can finally build an empire of his own. My fav was the last one.

This library sure is empty. Only a bunch of people here, no eye-candy in sights. It amazes me always how books look so grand when they’re piled up together. Like in movies, where a rich family have their own library and tons of books stack to their ceilings. I don’t know how one read all of that information. Or just for the sake of room decoration, lol. But yeah, books are one of the most amazing man discoveries after fire. And always intrigues me that how can people write so many different things into so many books? Wow. Crazy shit, eh?

Anyway, I’m starting to get kinda sleepy. With the air-con turned on so nicely and I plugged in earphone with Bjork’s “Vespertine” album. This situation is heaven. I better rest my head for a while. Nobody’s watching :p

Cut Me Open Please

2010-05-28T13:58:00.001-07:00

I’ve been in my hiding out for two nights now. Away from all the noise, away from all the unstoppable ruckus the world’s been giving me. All I need is sanctuary even just a little bit. Even a villain like me needs a break sometime. This place is the right place for the moment, where I can focus into one single thing: myself. While out there, they keep bugging me for things I’m not even attached with.

I’ve been browsing through photos of my younger cousins, well just to simplify things, that’s how I called them. They have this pictures of traditional Batak’s family parties, weddings and other I could not identify. To my surprise those events are strange and peculiar to me. Unconnected, that’s the word that first pop-out from my head.

It’s been a while since I actually hang out with them. Or going to those kinds of activities. The last event was when my aunt died. The funeral was packed with North Sumatran faces, none of which I could recall. But they do know me as one of them. I’m not having a brain malfunction or amnesia of some sort. It’s just an awkward moments to me now, yes they are.

But guess what, this disconnection is seemingly give me comfort. I always don’t know what to do or how to behave when I’m with them. It’s like I’m not in my world, I’m alienated in my own universe. The way they think, the way they talked or touch me in my physical being are just fake to me. Their judgments are killing my knowledge and blocking my ideas. I need to be free from all of this limitation.

They want me to be human. Born, eat, walk, talk, married, reproduce, and then die. What am I? A sand in the dessert? A drop of water in the ocean? I’m not any of those. Where’s the ideas? Where’s the living? Where’s the passion? Where’s the I-was-here-and-known part?? I’m sorry but I’m different from you. I need my space and acknowledgment from people who appreciate me more. Or at least from myself.

Photos will be photos. Facebook are soon going to wither and forgotten but not thoughts. My thoughts. I’m taking the risk losing the connection with them than destroying myself. I’m happy of what I’m doing right now. I’m passionate in art and photography. I’m living my dream now, so please open the window and forget me.

Beneath The Rain I Hear Myself

2010-05-22T06:42:00.001-07:00

I’m in Rumah Senang again. Its translated to “Happy House” in Bahasa for you non-Indonesian. It’s a place where Q! Film Festival have our meeting. Okay, I have few things to explain here…lol. Q! Film Festival is an annual film festival that we have based in Jakarta and screened within a few major cities too. Most of the films relates to LGBT issues, HIV/AIDS or human rights topics. Most of the films are imported from outside Indonesia and others are local. And the base camp of Q! team is right here in Rumah Senang. The environment are very comfortable everytime we’re together here.

It’s still raining outside and I’m listening to Tweet – Where Do We Go From Here. Kinda melancholic for a Saturday nite, but I like this feeling. I’m single, I’m busy with my photography biz and also this festival. It’s a mediocre kinda life where not so many people could achieve. I don’t have anything to worry about. Money could be a problem sometimes, but I don’t mind. I’m not really attached to it, I mean we do all need money, but there’s not reason to queen them in our daily lives.

I have everything I need in myself. As long ideas are running free and wild inside this head of mine, I stay alive. I try to keep myself outta trouble, by trouble I mean heart-slash-drama matters. Honestly I don’t have time for fooling around now with my tight daily schedules. Not to sound cocky but it’s true. I don’t wanna mess up Q! Film Festival responsibilities and also my photography biz I have to deal with. And also some errand I do for a very good friend of mine. I started to learn to fight for discrimination of gay rights in Indonesia. And there’s no better way than learning by doing.

Just yesterday, I spent my Friday night socializing IDAHO at a very senior gay club in town. IDAHO is a abbreviation for International Day Against Homophobia that are celebrated every 17^th May every year. Not so many people ever heard about this important event in gay calendar. So we’re sounding them out so people could understand what it is. We were giving out flyers and quiz at that gay club just to make learning in a fun way. I am amazed by actually standing and be there in that particular club.

The club I’m talking about is called Moonlight. Very famous in Jakarta and the amazing part is it has been around since 1994! For club, no let me rephrase that, for a gay club that has been running more than 16 years is truly amazing! The building itself hasn’t got much renovated, as I was told. All the other gay clubs in Jakarta are “babies” compare to this one. With cheap entrance ticket, gay community could have a good time here.

The reality, no plastic or fake people here, just human wanted a plain happiness. You can be whoever you wanted to be without have to lie about anything. No one will judge you or laugh at you. Just out and open in that small room with up beat music. But then again, they have the right to be informed about safety and their rights as LGBT community. So that’s what we were doing there and they accepted it pretty good.

Yeah, to think of it again we do need strip down to the very basic of what we are. Without having the effort to cover anything of who we truly are. Tired with all those fake gestures, plastic smiles and backstabbers. We are human and we deserve honesty from another human. It’s a precious thing in this big city like Jakarta. The ironic thing is, honesty is available at one of the place where people look down to.

Ah the rain finally stop, I could go home. Goodnite y'all.

“No one can lie, no one can hide anything, when he looks directly into someone's eyes." Paulo Coelho

Your Love (was) King

2010-05-16T07:26:00.000-07:00

Wow. How many days had it been since I wrote in my blog. So many stories to tell you, I guess I have to sum them all up. Lol.

After New Year, I decided to quit my lousy job as marketing in a magazine. It was all good until they let me do nothing but selling ad-space to client which was so boring. I thought I could write or at least fill up some photos I shot myself to few of their pages. But no. I stuck with a backstabber boss and a magazine full of hypocrites, social-climber and plastic faces. Ugh, enough.

I decided to do a full time business, which I should do a long time ago. I am capable of writing and photography in a serious manner. But then I thought, after a long discussion with a friend at Starbucks, I told myself to choose ONE thing I love the most. I mean the concept of living is doing what you love right? So photography it is. I consider saving some money to buy lenses (I own a camera already) and some more equipment.

I don’t have money at all, I was literally broke. Being jobless was quite tough on me but that didn’t stop me. I try to do basic promotion, mouth-to-mouth from broadcast message to another. Well, what do you know? It works! I started getting call up for photo shoots and I’m able to buy more lenses. And I try to advertise via online media and newspaper. I hope this time lady luck on my side coz I’m all out of money again! Lol.

Anyhoo, my work life is going up hill while my love life stuck and circling around. My boyfriend dumped me for reason I’m still confused about. One day we were just fine, and the next he break up with me. He said we have so many differences and it’s not working out after 6 months. Well, we did have a lot of fights. Mostly he’s jealous for me being socially known and surrounded by many beautiful men.

I did told him from the very beginning that I like to flirt and my job requires me to be socially known. But talking about heart, I’m stuck with him in a good way. I loved him. But I guess that wasn’t enough. Until I caught him walking with one of my friend in a cinema after we broke up. They were quite surprised seeing me there, after he told me he was sick and cant go anywhere. I didn’t bother though. He’s free wondering or effin around with whomever he likes. But the question pop in my head: when did they trade numbers? Oh well.

And then I was happy with my life. Single and free. Surrounded with good friends, getting laid, doing things I like and drowning myself in work. I helped a friend doing some festival work, doing this, doing that. Then comes another drama. I met this guy, he’s hot, cute and he was my junior back in high school. I didn’t know we had a hunk in our school. Lol. So, we date and we did it. After few conversations later I began to like his character, his stories about his family. Until he told me he love me. Big time. Like an A-bomb I wasn’t prepared and never always.

Not because I just broke up and all but I never believe in love. I told him all about myself and he still couldn’t read between the lines. I’m a major fuck up dude being happy with his life! And he tries to pull me into this drama shit. I said to him bluntly and he could face the truth. He pushed me away and I didn’t have anything to lose but one more name in my Blackberry Messenger contact list. I try to be genuine and honest to him but he wants me to be someone I’m not. Sorry dude, you crossed the line.

The story about my life’s gonna bore you. I (still) don’t know my parents. I was raised by this fucked up so-called-family. I have four aunties and two of them died. I love seeing them disappeared from that house one by one. Two left and I’m free. No, I didn’t kill them. Lol. They screw their own life with so many hates and high-glucose food in their everyday lives. Even after death they could rest at peace. I don’t really bothered though. I have my own life to run.

I have a feeling this year is my chance. Where life finally giving me a break to shitty things happens in my life. Just hoping I could read the signs and don’t do anything stupid to blow my chances. I have all the support I have from my friends but still I know I’m alone. The risk I’m taking is for my own to take. No one else’s. I still couldn’t trust anyone for my life or for anything. This is what I believe:

“We're better off alone. We suffer alone. Doesn't matter if you're a model husband, or father of the year. Tomorrow will be the same for you.” –House M.D.

An Eden of That Dim Lake

2010-01-21T09:10:00.000-08:00

This particular song from Antony Hegarty was taken from the 1827 version of The Lake by Edgar Allan Poe. The words are just amazing and the music Antony put together into this song resembles of what I feel lately. Restless....yet peaceful.

Antony and The Johnson

The Lake (2004)

In youth's spring, it was my lot
To haunt of the wide earth a spot
To which I could not love the less
So lovely was the loneliness
Of a wild lake, with black rock bound
And the tall trees that towered around

But when the night had thrown her pall
Upon that spot as upon all
And the wind would pass me by
In its stilly melody

My infant spirit would awake
To the terror of the lone lake
My infant spirit would awake
To the terror of the lone lake

Yet that terror was not fright
But a tremulous delight
And a feeling undefined
Springing from a darkened mind
Death was in that poisoned wave
And in its gulf a fitting grave
For him who thence could solace bring
To his dark imagining
Whose wildering thought could even make
An Eden of that dim lake

But when the night had thrown her pall
Upon that spot as upon all
And the wind would pass me by
In its stilly melody

My infant spirit would awake
To the terror of the lone lake
My infant spirit would awake
To the terror of the lone lake

Springing from a darkened mind
So lovely was the loneliness
In youth's spring, it was my lot
In its stilly melody
An Eden of that dim lake
An Eden of that dim lake
Lone, lone, lonely...

Bread and Rock

2010-01-17T05:40:00.001-08:00

Every man will go through a time where he has to change for the greater good. It wont be pretty but somehow beneficial. To himself, to his surroundings until it is proven that that changes already fulfilled the desire. Letting aside ego and selfishness is not easy for me now. How to release myself from a guilty feeling over my relationship that must bear the consequences. Hang in there baby, I’m changing. And there isn’t a thing that never change than changes itself.

I can feel it in my bones, in my stripped-down-human-flesh that I am going through a transformation. I guess it’s time where everybody needs to go through this phase sooner or later. It’s more like a spiritual quest where my boat floating slowly until years later I realized I reached a certain point of my destination. There’s no one that could help me but myself. My mind broadens up and reaches to level where lights illuminate into a concrete form.

Some people find this ridiculous and irrational. But it is as real as the air that you breathe everyday. You feel it, you live it but unseen by the naked eye. They think this is as a joke where lives should be as normal in their understanding. The world is more than merely bread and stone. There are certain things it hides away from you human until you surely understand what it means. I need this. I need to be here and learn something more than what I already know.

All I do everyday now is just look into myself and try to feel this changes. A rotation of my point of view and feel that sight for myself. I meditate regularly, again, to hear the words I once kept away from. The human world were talking too loud I cannot hear myself. The peace has now spoken and take control of me. I hope you could understand what I’m going through. I really wish that.

La Puerta Del Cielo

2010-01-13T06:08:00.000-08:00

I am restless. Feels like my body split into another realm where my foot never set before. Feeling of fidgety, waves of distortion awaken my spirit lately. It feels like I am waiting for something big to happen but I don’t know what. The energy I felt are massive and uncontrollable for me right now. I need help or at least a good advise of how to control them.

Reality and day-dreaming has become one under the lucidness of mind. I cannot distinguish which is which. I know I am real, I am in full conscious of who I am. But there are things that pushing my in dimensions I could never understand. It’s like being in an empty big room and you know there’s no one there but activities are going on inside the same place you are in. Maybe no one could ever understands me.

I know I have something inside me but I never try to provoke it to come out on purpose. Let it flow years after years but I guess I could never hold it in anymore. The urge of wanting more and stepping to wondrous land are kept pushing me to do so. The why and so many questions wondering inside my head are real. Torturing my poor spirit which are dehydrated by life’s constantly sucked out all my energy. Human’s life are a waste of precious pure energy.

My mouth wishing things and it did happen. Even though in a small scale, it really did happen. Too many coincidences, too much for luck. It kinda scares me sometimes, that’s why I try not to say anything at all. I was a boy with fire bursting inside me trying to flame things down. An unseen power derived by untamed emotion leaping in and out. I know I have a purpose and only time will tell.

Now this restlessness are driving me mad. Clacking inside in a sense of torturing but I know I’m supposed to wait for something. An unwanted will. A burning desire of going somewhere and be someone for a time and a place in which I truly belongs. I just have to wait and learn to be patience. I am calling you the ones who could hear me and answer this uncertainty.

Help me.

As God Poke Through The Sky Below

2010-01-10T05:44:00.001-08:00

The journey starts from words through miles of fiber optics transmitted by high-tech wireless communication system. A simple thought of someone I barely know but I take it as a friendly action. There’s a hidden race between lenses to one single object to capture. Seen by the beauty of a human naked eye transformed into a modern art. That wasn’t my real reason to be here and crossing the ocean miles away from home.

Indonesia is a diamond with so many light shimmering making playful delights to them biological machines. Cultures hidden under the series of metal mountains and electrical clouds. Mystic stories shared among the people making one connection of symbiosis humanistic bond. I stand my feet into God’s marvelous land of dust and water. In part of the east I’m telling my chronicles of how it wonders me so.

I am sad. Too many human involvement here and nature are just complimentary things here. Where is my sky? Where is my green forest? When did it all change to hard thick black road with white unconnected-lines? At first I thought a different window view and greener vast earth is what I will see. But all I’m seeing is the same pond with different fishes. Nevertheless, I always feel home here there or anywhere. I am logos.

A lot of love shared within this place among the bewilderment caused a small chaotic between mind wars. Two souls glowing with sincerity and joy willing to portion it with me. Positive vibes are open like waterfall and gently flowing like river. That’s what happens when no walls stood between the true human entities. Simplicity is something very precious in this metal jungle. Why we should we make them disappeared between ego and fake charm? Dear souls, thank you.

My emotions keep flowing into the big out there. Images kept inside a black box are the perfect sanctuary for these precious memories. Now here I am sitting alone again ending my voyage; ready to be grabbed by the claws of the mother all of ritual. I am filled with pleasure and fulfillment. All of this is an unbroken chain of keys until I find my New Jerusalem. Dear puzzles, keep on glued together.

Flame inside bursting gently.

Burn me with your dazzling eyes.

Kept me inside a thrilling journey.

Promise To The Sea, Drown To Your Honesty

2010-01-09T01:58:00.001-08:00

My experience living with humans are truly one great adventure. People who are weak, who are sad and lonely, full of anger, happy-go-lucky and some of them are smart and organized. But I could pull a red string from all of them; most of these humans cannot keep their promise. Stick it like a man and face it like a devil.

Some people trying to be nice to other but never based it with neither honesty nor sincerity. I got their message but in the end they just keep disappointing me, us. Failing to maintain one small matter that people seek among each other: happiness. We want others to keep their promise to make us feel happy. Is it by nature law that promises are meant to be broken? Or is it just a lip service to make our lives bit busier than usual?

Since I’m a kid, I’m trying to pleased people. By my actions, by my words and sometimes I cant make everyone’s happy. But one thing that matter most to me is to keep my promise. If it’s too big for me to handle, I wont say anything at all. I hate to see other people’s see me as an imperfect individual. But the fact I am not perfect. But still I never make any promise that I couldn’t keep. Most of the times people that kept disappointing me.

Words are your two-sided swords. Full of games into your mind and start flowing like toxin into your opponent’s ear. Human likes to play with words, either just an automatic action or they really mean them. People judge by their character, by their words, by their promises. But I guess that is human in the bitter facts. Everyday people lie to God, what makes you think that they wont lie to you too.

Being human is precious.

Being human is hard.

Being human is living.

Being human is forgiving.

Human is a mistake.

We Are Apples Among Grenades

2010-01-06T04:33:00.000-08:00

My last trip to Bali was full of interesting stories even for myself. I’m amazed how much a human could ever experience in his lifetime. Happy, sad, angry, amazement and feeling of freedom in one same bowl of feeling. But from a rich feeling of being happy, one train of thoughts brought me an unpleasant emotion towards my own people. I never thought I could experience racism in my own country from my own fellow.

Bali is a bee hives for leisure, with bees flying from so many different part of the world just to feel the waves, culture and of course sunshine. Most countries with four season’s love Indonesia (especially Bali) for our famous unstoppable sunshine. Personally I prefer snow and get out of this heat sometime but I guess the same reason goes to them who lived most under so-so sun and snowy weather almost everyday.

I love Bali as my getaway from my busy-bee living and the traffic and the even-God-avoid-pollution of Jakarta. The city where people running here in there like crazy as if 24-hour never seem enough for each of us. The paradise island offer lesser craziness, slower pace of life, and air that we could actually breathe in. We, domestic tourists expense the same amount money for those things mentioned above. But what makes me sad we don’t get the same treatment as from other countries outside Indonesia.

Most people in Bali especially those who work in service and hospitality industry enjoyed just a bit too much to international tourists or we like to call them as “bule”. Dollars and Euros pouring like colored waterfall from bule pockets. It blinded them so much that makes some people forget that domestic tourists are the first that helped build back Bali tourism after the bombing years ago. We always get second-class service, sometimes really bad it makes me sick.

For instance, for flights or hotel rooms are always fully booked for domestic but not to bule. Restaurant and clubs closed for domestic but not to bule. We are served hours later in a restaurant when in other table a bule gets his order in a jiffy. Worse, information of activities and events are made difficult to get for domestic but bule always get it easily. Hello, we pay the same amount of money only in different printings. Sad things are I have to speak English and act like bule just to get the same quantity of service. Sick.

I don’t have anything against bule, I have lots of friend from all over the world. What makes me sick and tired are the people who treats everyone else different just because skin color and blonde hair?? I read and watch news about racism going on in other part of the globe but I can’t believe it until I experience it in my own country! Don’t make me go down there and smack each of you racist out there.

This things are simple examples but I am more than sure other people even get worse treatment because the difference of skin color, religion or gender. What’s with you people? Have you forgotten Luther has broken the wall of racism once and for all? He had a dream that we all need to fulfill. All human being are just the same when you strip them off their skin. The same red-liquid-thing, the same non-stop beating heart, the same air and the same living planet we lived in. Even dolphins and monkeys understand that. Maybe we put too much clothing, make-up, plastic-beauty to our appearance that makes us just a bit unrecognizable.

I can’t do much of what just happen to me in Bali but to complain to the whole world. I just wish and hope that one of you racist read this and suffocate of what you had done to others. I want to live just the way I am and get treated as nice as I treat other. Sound very Jesus-like but logic sense it true and heart felt it warm. Erase all kind of racism from the globe!

Rage In a Plastic Bottle

2010-01-06T04:27:00.001-08:00

I just had the most tremendous New Year transition this year. I have a relationship in which I surrender my all with no regrets and a small faith to start thinking that everything’s gonna be a-okay this time. Though my logic and memories always remind me how painful the journey going to be I never step back even one bit. Year after year I find what human used to call “new year resolution”. A point where they all come together with individual promise to themselves that they should accomplish something. Most of them failed to keep their own promise (or to other human being). But they’re happy to do so. Weird.

My path that I choose with this person is a mystery as always but a ray of sunshine poke through my thick wall. He seeps in like fog, as my mind untangles slowly in the feeling of ticklish and curiosity. We start our journey with promise that we wont hurt each other. I know we will fail to do so but the word try written hard and thick on each of our forehead. As time carried our boat of mutual feelings we come to our first year changeover of our toddler’s relationship. Goodbye 2009, hello big-scary-monster-in-sheep-clothing 2010. We choose Nusa Lembongan island not far from Bali to celebrate one of our moment in (both) of our lives.

We planned everything from flight schedule, to hotels and everything else. And we did well. Until stupid egoistic behavior we did kinda ruin our moment. We went through it in a bit rough for couple of days. But then it hit both of us. We realize something that that’s how we know each other much better. Though it’s a bit harsh and uncommon ways but we did it. Like light-aired-balloon each things start to float to the surface that once were sugarcoated. The rage play part and take control; killing the logic and affection for a split second. We hurt each other.

I have a weird theory about human rage and anger. They love it though they denial it that is there sleeping like a tiger. And when it comes to anger some people mixed it with a bowl of sticky ingredients of drama. Yes, human loves drama. Like every cell in their fragile veins crying the word drama every moment and then. Some people manage to play it only for one scene and take their final bow, some other play them so well somehow they cannot distinguished which is reality and which one are the stage-show.

Anger in a human mind is like holding ten megaton of bomb inside a plastic bottle. Don’t shake it or it’ll go ka-boom like a baby’s cry in the middle of your only two-hours night sleep. Somehow you just have to let it go all out and cut it right in the moment where you don’t need them anymore. Be angry, be sad, be the human that you are but don’t cling to the emotion forever. By letting go we are saying we do not need drama in our lives. By letting go we feel the freedom of being somebody who’s much stronger and feel emotionally satisfied. I did that and teach my boyfriend the same method until we come to a much mature and steady relationship. But that plastic bottle always hungry to be refilled.

Big Black Storm of Peace

2009-12-19T10:59:00.000-08:00

It’s like walking on water when you know you’re floating above the rest and the whirlpool taken you down in seconds. Life and learning how to control your emotion is not an easy task. Even for someone with much higher-level consciousness like me. People often disappoint you in way you couldn’t imagine. Even your lover or friends. But that’s when you are tested if you could put aside your ego for a while and put yourself in their shoes. Very hard to do but a noble thing to complete it.

We spent the time today but things are changing rapidly. He lost his mood and I’m taking the blame too for the cause. And someone else I care very much also in a verge of need and time of desperation. I can tell because both of them are meant the world to me. My empath ability -which is a curse more than a gift- suddenly reappear lately and taking control of me. It changes on how I feel and react to my surroundings at that moment.

Not many people understand how my system works or even how my mind sees things. Like shadow they like to avoid which is actually my sanctuary of peace. A blank spot where I could breath myself out and stop for a moment. Where the world out there going too fast and they couldn’t understand of what they’re speaking about. Only a few that knows me very well understand my half-sinking world and me.

In time of desperation I seek your grace.
With limitation upon my path I surrender my trace.
Like water in my universe I understand your wisdom.
Until time stop and I with you in thy kingdom.

In My Darkest Hour

2009-12-15T08:19:00.000-08:00

My mind is dead. At least temporarily to parts of me that I never recall again. Buried beneath all the precious memories all these month. Hiding the words inside the glands of my brain. No one may understand but I do. It’s a part of me that only me knows what it supposed to speaks, what it supposed to be written for the world. I try to keep it quiet but resulted in my sleepless nights and feels like the dead trying to live again.

So I make myself a dark confession. The years are about to flip into a new chart, a new impression for everyone. Buried hopes arising, eyes glaring at the new emptiness and imagining those are filled with…happiness. The only rival to what it must become are ego. Like me. I should have been doing this long ago but I came up with so many reasoning it became my mortal enemy. So then I choose to change.

Within next year I will become more aware and productive. My writings will be published in regular basis. Trying to grab the attention I used to have years ago. Some of you may not know that I have been doing this since 1995 and officially go online since 2004. Starting with Bra1n-w@shed in Friendster ™ I began my journey. For every major event in my life, everything that takes place in the world or little things that screw with my emotions. I place them all neatly in words.

And as I believe that I am a part of change I’m bringing this whole concept to a new level. From next year and so on, I will be in touch with the “me” inside again. Thank you for being here with me and reading this until the end.

Soul divided unrelated;

Singing death notes unintended.

Slowly it heals,

Let it all be real.

Life is a Dark Comedy Show

2009-10-01T12:56:00.000-07:00

I went home at 2am last night from my friend’s place. He’s a nice Turkish-Indonesian guy and in a steady relationship with his boyfriend for almost 4 years now. They run this long distance relationship but seeing each other quite often. Then there was trouble in paradise. This friend of mine fell for someone else, or as he thought. The person that shackle his chain are also a very good friend of mine. I tried to warn both of them not to get into something they couldn’t deal with. But it was a bit too late and was once calm water now full of ripples.

As I thought why someone would risk everything he got for something that is unsure. Speaking of logic that’s totally against it. I know that heart is blind, deaf and mute but this is simply not the case. He has this great 4 years with someone who really loved him. He told me everything that that guy thousand miles away would do for him. He sacrifices everything he got just to love the person right here in Indonesia. To be honest, I would trade everything in my life to have that kind of love in my life. I shed a tear.

But all of a sudden some stranger came into his life and he suddenly has this second option? That’s not even an option to be frankly speaking. I might be a person who has too much wild on one side but I would never be a hypocrite. I wouldn’t throw love that’s right in front of my nose to chase something of the great unknown. I know how good it feels to be loved because I felt it once, long ago. And it seemed hard to find the same feeling after hard years kicked in.

As I thought in the peaceful night full of glowing neon. The pavements took me into a journey of self reflection. I see someone who is alone in a boat meant for two people. It didn’t take too long before I realize I’m going to be end up the one falling right into the waterfall. I don’t care anymore whether my eyes will close or open when I hit the ground below. I never had someone who’s with me from the start and stick right by me to the end. Apparently that person has a different future but never told me until it was too late.

Until my heart bloom of so many emotions I couldn’t even handle. And when I share it with him, he starts to leave that emotion fall one by one gently. While I’m watching they crashed to the cold ground and die into nothing. I nourished them carefully into an end as I thought. I don’t blame anyone. Not even fate, because I always believe we are the one who controls our fate. But it’s just another process of me being someone much, much more valuable than I am today. A pathway to my New Jerusalem, with someone by my side. Till the end and we regret nothing.